Healthy Ways to Process Your Grief
It’s a sad fact that loss and the resulting grief are more often a part of life for seniors than other age groups. Both seniors and their friends and loved ones need to face this reality and develop skills for coping with grief. Be aware that there are many types of loss that seniors experience. There are the deaths of a spouse or partner, friends, siblings, and cousins. At the same time, seniors may experience a loss of independence, mobility, and financial security. While these losses may feel overwhelming, especially if they happen together, if seniors have healthy ways to navigate grief, they can process their feelings and learn to live and even thrive after loss.
What Is Grief?
First, we need to understand that grief is a very normal reaction to loss. The feeling of sadness, the ache of missing a person or a way of life -- this is grief. It won’t go away just because people don’t talk about it or ignore it. It can feel scary to acknowledge these intense feelings. However, when we learn how to process grief, we can cope with loss in healthier ways than if we try to stuff it down. Not only do family members need to learn how to help elderly people cope with grief, they need to know how to cope with their own feelings of helplessness in the face of their loved one’s sadness.
The Stages of Grief in the Elderly
Grief usually moves through several identifiable stages. When you understand grief in older adults, you won’t feel surprised at your feelings or those of a loved one.
1. Shock/denial. People are often emotionally numb after a big loss. This is a way the brain protects itself from trauma. It helps for loved ones to maintain a connection to the person grieving, whether or not they are ready to talk about their loss. You can also help by offering practical support, like help sorting mail or paying bills. It’s very common for people to feel like they can’t deal with ordinary tasks when grief is very new.
2. Anger. Some seniors cope with grief by becoming irritable or lashing out in anger. This is often a defensive coping mechanism. It’s important that seniors have support to move through the anger and not get stuck. One way you can help is by acknowledging how aging and loss are affecting your loved one.
3. Bargaining and guilt. When you lose someone close to you, you might feel guilty for being alive when they are not. It’s easy to get caught up in a spiral of “what ifs” and imagining if you had done something different, there would have been a better outcome. This is also a form of bargaining. These are all normal emotions to experience with a loss. However, if you are really stuck in this type of thinking, reaching out for professional help is a good idea. A therapist or counselor can teach you healthy coping mechanisms for your grief.
4. Depression. This type of depression is not the same as clinical depression. It can be alleviated by spending time with friends or loved ones, eating healthy food, getting some fresh air and exercise every day, and getting enough sleep. If you’re doing all these things but you still feel depressed, talk to your doctor about a short course of antidepressants. You should also consider seeing a counselor who specializes in grief support for older adults.
5. Acceptance. It can take several months to reach this stage. When you do, you will probably still feel sad about your loss. However, you have developed good skills to cope with your grief. You may have found new hobbies or ways to honor your loved one that are hopeful and encouraging for you. Friends and family can help their grieving senior to reach acceptance by talking about the loss, offering plenty of support (both emotional and practical!), and by keeping them company so they don’t feel alone.
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